Gerry Bartlett - Real Vampires Hate Their Thighs Read online

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright Page

  Dedication

  Acknowledgements

  One

  Two

  Three

  Four

  Five

  Six

  Seven

  Eight

  Nine

  Ten

  Eleven

  Twelve

  Thirteen

  Fourteen

  Fifteen

  Sixteen

  Seventeen

  Eighteen

  Nineteen

  Teaser chapter

  “Glory, Glory, hallelujah! I love this series!”

  —Kerrelyn Sparks, New York Times bestselling author of Forbidden Nights with a Vampire

  Praise for

  Real Vampires Don’t Diet

  “Fun and fast moving, with lots of action.”—Romantic Times

  “Yet another fun, humorous tale of Gloriana St. Clair.”

  —Fallen Angel Reviews

  “An engaging urban fantasy filled with action and amusing chick-lit asides. Glory is terrific.”—Midwest Book Review

  “Provides the adventure and surprises fans have come to expect from this fun series, with more turmoil and temptation than ever.”—Darque Reviews

  “Another must-have. In her trademark witty voice, Gerry Bartlett adds another chapter to her highly entertaining series. What I love about these books is the lighter tone and humorous play on vampiric lore. Real Vampires Don’t Diet is honestly a tasty treat that’s sure to please even the most discerning palates.” —Romance Reviews Today

  Real Vampires Get Lucky

  “Let’s just say, if you know what’s good for you, then you’ll check out Real Vampires Get Lucky.” —Romance Reviews Today

  “Another humorous chapter in Glory’s life that will not disappoint.” —Romance Junkies

  “Gerry Bartlett delivers another winner . . . Ms. Bartlett’s gift for humor, the bawdier the better, is evident throughout, and the different story lines are interwoven seamlessly to give the reader a thoroughly entertaining read. Fans, rejoice—this one’s a keeper!” —Fresh Fiction

  “Fun, fast moving and introduces some wonderful new characters, along with having plenty of familiar faces.”

  —Romantic Times

  “A laugh-out-loud series. Ms. Bartlett puts a different spin on the vampire romance. Fast paced with appealing characters you can fall in love with. It’s like visiting old friends.”

  —Night Owl Romance

  Real Vampires Live Large

  “The return of ancient vampiress Glory surviving in a modern world is fun to follow as she struggles with her lover, a wannabe lover, vampire killers and Energy Vampires; all want a piece of her in differing ways. Fans of lighthearted paranormal romps will enjoy Gerry Bartlett’s fun tale star-ring a heroine who has never forgiven Blade for biting her when she was bloated.” —Midwest Book Review

  “Outstanding ... equal parts humor and spice, with mystery and adventure tossed into the mix. Glory’s world is a place I look forward to visiting again, the sooner the better.”

  —Fresh Fiction

  “Gerry Bartlett has created a laugh-out-loud book that I couldn’t put down. Real Vampires Live Large is a winner.”

  —The Romance Readers Connection

  “Glory gives girl power a whole new meaning, especially in the undead way. What a fun read!” —All About Romance

  Real Vampires Have Curves

  “A sharp, sassy, sexy read. Gerry Bartlett creates a vampire to die for in this sizzling new series.”—Kimberly Raye,

  USA Today bestselling author of Sucker for Love

  “Hot and hilarious.”—Nina Bangs,

  New York Times bestselling author of My Wicked Vampire

  “Full-figured vampire Glory bursts from the page in this lively, fun and engaging spin on the vampire mythology.”

  —Julie Kenner, USA Today bestselling author of Turned

  “Hilariously delightful . . . Ms. Bartlett has a winner.”

  —Fresh Fiction

  “Fans of paranormal chick lit will want to take a bite out of Gerry Bartlett’s amusing tale. Glory is terrific.”

  —The Best Reviews

  “A sexy, smart and lively contemporary paranormal romance . . . The plot is engaging, the characters are stimulating (not to mention, so is the sex) and the writing is sharp. Glory St. Clair is . . . a breath of fresh air.” —Romance Reader at Heart

  “If you love Betsy from MaryJanice Davidson’s Undead series or Sookie from Charlaine Harris’s [Sookie Stackhouse novels], you’re gonna love Real Vampires Have Curves.”

  —A Romance Review

  “Nina Bangs, Katie MacAlister, MaryJanice Davidson and Lynsay Sands, make room for the newest member of the vamp sisterhood, because Gerry Bartlett has arrived.”

  —ParaNormalRomance.org

  “A real winner. Bartlett brings a fresh spin to paranormal chick lit with this clever combination of suspense and humor and wonderful style. Hang on to your seats—this book is a wild ride!” —Romantic Times

  Titles by Gerry Bartlett

  REAL VAMPIRES HAVE CURVES

  REAL VAMPIRES LIVE LARGE

  REAL VAMPIRES GET LUCKY

  REAL VAMPIRES DON’T DIET

  REAL VAMPIRES HATE THEIR THIGHS

  THE BERKLEY PUBLISHING GROUP

  Published by the Penguin Group

  Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

  375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA

  Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario M4P 2Y3, Canada

  (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.)

  Penguin Books Ltd., 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

  Penguin Group Ireland, 25 St. Stephen’s Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd.)

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  (a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty. Ltd.)

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  (a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd.)

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  South Africa

  Penguin Books Ltd., Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

  This is an original publication of The Berkley Publishing Group.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental. The publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.

  Copyright © 2010 by Gerry Bartlett.

  Excerpt from Real Vampires Have More to Love copyright © by Gerry Bartlett.

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights. Purchase only authorized editions.

  BERKLEY® is a registered trademark of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

  The “B” design is a trademark of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

  PRINTING HISTORY

  Berkley trade paperback edition / February 2010

  Library of Congress Catalogin
g-in-Publication Data

  Bartlett, Gerry.

  Real vampires hate their thighs / Gerry Bartlett.—Berkley Trade pbk. ed. p. cm.

  eISBN : 978-1-101-18483-7

  1. Vampires—Fiction. 2. Saint Clair, Glory (Fictitious character)—Fiction. I. Title. PS3602.A83945R’.6—dc22 2009044141

  http://us.penguingroup.com

  This book is dedicated to Kathy Bartlett,

  who unselfishly gives her time to make sure sick

  and abandoned animals find loving homes.

  She and other volunteers like her have saved more of

  our furry friends than I can count.

  She also keeps her wicked stepmother’s hair blond.

  Thanks for being kind and brilliant, Kathy.

  Acknowledgments

  Thanks to my wonderful agent, Kimberly Whalen, who had faith in me and Glory’s story from the very beginning. You rock, Kim. And I really appreciate my editor, Kate Seaver, and her instincts. She always spots what needs “tweaking” to make the book flow in the right direction. I’ve been blessed with a wonderful team at Berkley, including copy editor Mary Pell, who has been absolutely on point with her comments and “catches.” Believe me, I know how lucky I am.

  My fans are the best. On MySpace, I have a great group of friends whose words of encouragement mean everything to me. Thanks to Heather Weygandt, who started the wonderful MySpace.com/realvampswithcurves fan site. And to Danielle Garrett, who created the super realvampglorystclairfansite weebly.com. Now Dani and Heather work together to keep it Google-worthy. Thanks so much, ladies! This just blows me away.

  One

  You know, there’s something very unsexy about meeting your lover behind a Dumpster. But, hey, at least Gloriana St. Clair still had a lover to meet. There had been some nights recently when I’d been afraid I’d have to give celibacy another shot. You think a woman PMSing is bad? Try taking on a celibate vampire. But no worries. My guy was waiting just around the corner.

  I adjusted my black “Cher in the eighties” wig, slung my purse over my shoulder and navigated the alley in my five-inch heels.

  “Jeez, something reeks.” Valdez, my bodyguard, sniffed.

  “You got that right. Even ritzy hotels have bad garbage.” I had a leash attached to him, but God forbid I actually tug on it. We gave the Dumpster a wide berth and walked right into a guy with a camera. Guys with cameras were the reason we were sneaking out the back door in the first place.

  Camera Guy looked me over, trying to figure out if I was “Somebody.” Then he eyed the dog on the end of the leash. Apparently even the canine failed the test.

  “Forget it. I’m getting out of this pit and hitting the front door.” The photographer snorted in disgust.

  “Good idea. I heard Usher’s coming down.” I saw him sprint away and glanced down at Valdez. “Your disguise did the trick. Mine is pretty lame. Anyone can throw on a wig and sunglasses. But yours is the bomb.”

  “What’d I tell ya? I’m brilliant.” Valdez grinned and practically dragged me to the street. “Blade’s here. He’s got Flo and Richard with him.”

  I still couldn’t get used to my shape-shifting dog’s new look. A Rottweiler. Cute, with his pink tongue and black mouth, but he looked a lot more dangerous than his usual curly coated Labradoodle self. Then I saw Blade, Jeremy Blade, my four-hundred-year-plus lover and the man who’d made me vampire all those centuries ago. Then he’d been known as Angus Jeremiah Campbell III, heir to Clan Campbell. With his father an immortal vamp too, though, it didn’t look like he’d be laird anytime soon. Which was fine by me. It left him free to roam the world. Lately that had included following me to Austin and now this little trip to Los Angeles.

  I stopped and checked him out. He always looked so good to me. Tall, buff and sexy as hell. But tonight he was in a Hollywood-style white silk shirt that made the most of his dark hair and eyes. Add expensive trousers with loafers and no socks and I wondered if some stylist had gotten hold of him.

  Before I could ask, he had me in his arms and up against all that hard maleness. Yum. He tasted delicious, and I could feel his fangs when he kissed me. Great start to my evening.

  “Nice to see you too, Jerry.” I grinned up at him when he let me come up for air.

  “You look very sexy. Forget going out. Let’s go back to my hotel room, Gloriana.” He obviously appreciated the effort I’d taken with my wardrobe choice.

  When you’ve got too much in the caboose like I do, you learn to play up your assets. So I’d chosen a plunging neckline with blue sparkles that matched my eyes. Add a push-up bra and I guarantee male eyes never went below my personal equator. I’d put on a twirly skirt in black with some strappy black heels that were just made for dancing. So no hotel room. I wanted to hit some clubs.

  “We’re going out, Jerry. I’m sure Flo is with me on this.” I pushed him toward the car he’d rented.

  Do you wonder why we’re not staying at the same hotel? Why we’re sneaking around Dumpsters? Gee, nosey, aren’t you? Okay, it’s like this. I’m pretending to be engaged to a newly turned vampire, rock star Israel Caine. Since I’m indirectly responsible for his “condition,” I’m mentoring him, helping him deal with the complications. Like no daytime gigs. You see where I’m going with this? So when the paparazzi, like that guy I just avoided by the Dumpster, kept seeing us together, they assumed we were an item. Ray (all his friends call him Ray) decided to go along with it, and next thing you know, we’re pretending to be engaged.

  Now, I know I should have called a halt to things, but, sue me, I kind of groove on the idea of the world thinking I’m a rock star’s main squeeze. I mean, me, slightly chubby Glory St. Clair, who is nobody, living in the fast lane? I’m just the “barely making ends meet” owner of a vintage-clothing shop in Austin, Texas, and a sort-of ancient vampire, yet I’m engaged to a rock star. How cool is that?

  And Ray is totally hot, sexy and when he sings . . . I was hooked on his music before he’d ever been dumped on me. Literally. Then he turned out to be a great guy and—would you believe it?—into me. I know, I thought I was dreaming. Sure, it’s 90 percent gratitude for saving his life. Whatever.

  It made Jerry superjealous. And that’s not such a bad thing in a long-term relationship. Guys can get to taking you for granted after the first few centuries. Anyway, Ray’s up for a Grammy. And the awards are in a week. So we’re here in Hollywood. Israel Caine and Gloriana St. Clair, the happy couple. I promised Jerry I’d break up with Ray when we got back to Austin. After I get to wear the fabulous dress a designer is whipping up for me as we speak. For when we walk the red carpet. You see why I couldn’t dump Ray just yet?

  Now, can we get back to me sneaking out to meet Jerry? Ray’s at press briefings, or rehearsals or something. He doesn’t need me so I arranged to go out, discreetly, of course. Ray knows I’m really with Jerry. No big deal, darn it. Except Ray had insisted on separate hotels so maybe he’s a little jealous. Hmm.

  My best friend, Flo, and her husband, Richard, came along on Jerry’s chartered jet (yeah, Jerry’s rich). Now I want to have fun. And not just one-on-one in a hotel room. We can do that, and have done that, many times, in Austin. All over the world, for that matter. And, after some dancing, I’m sure we’ll do it again—I gave Jerry a hot look—and again.

  “You sure you want to wait?” Jerry had read my mind and his own mental message promised all kinds of special services while his hand slid over my backside.

  Valdez tugged on his leash and I snapped back to the here and now.

  “Anticipation makes everything better.” I grinned and patted Jerry’s cheek. “Hi, guys. I love this car. You rented this, Jerry?” A vintage white Cadillac convertible with red leather interior sat at the curb. The top was down and three vampires lounged in the backseat. “Cool.”

  “Flo talked me into it. She said the Mercedes I was going for was stuffy.” Jerry grinned. “She picked out the clothes too. What do you think?”

  “I thin
k Florence da Vinci should be on your payroll as your stylist.” I ran my finger in between Jerry’s button holes to the smooth skin of his chest. “You look unbelievably hot.” I leaned in and ran my mouth along his jugular. “I’ll show you how hot later. She tell you to go commando?” I felt Jerry swallow against my lips.

  “Flo, you’re hired.”

  “Of course I did. See, Jeremiah? You must always listen to me, caro.” Flo jumped up on her knees. “Glory, that wig is not your color. You should have gone for a deep auburn.”

  “I had to take what I could get, Flo. Barry, Ray’s publicist, brought it to me. Maybe you can find me something better for tomorrow night.” I smiled at Richard, then at the man on Flo’s other side. “Damian, didn’t know you were coming.”

  “I decided you needed a guide. I know this area. You want to explore the vampire scene here? I’m your man. There’s a club on Hollywood Boulevard you must go to.” Damian Sabatini, Flo’s brother, winked. “Jeremiah isn’t crazy about the idea, but I say, what’s the harm?”

  “Too many vampires in one place is asking for trouble.”

  I slipped into the front passenger seat, laughing when the grumbling in the back started. Because there was nowhere else for Valdez to go. The front had a console and there was a seat belt law. So the three vamps in the backseat had to make room for my pooch.

  I don’t go anywhere without my dog slash bodyguard. Not my rule—Jerry’s. Since he’s paid for a succession of Valdezes for centuries, even when Jerry and I aren’t a couple, I go along with it. It’s a safety issue. Valdez makes me feel protected. A single girl can’t be too careful, you know. And I’ve had some close calls lately. Not everyone loves me. Can you imagine that?